I’m on the train back to uni and I’ve looked at the collection of individuals around me and thought to myself ‘Good God, if this is a real representation of the state of the human race we are fucked.’ So here’s my Top Five of the types of people you see on the train:
5. The rich kid
At first glance he’s a normal looking lad, wearing normal clothes and carrying a torn up backpack. But as soon as he opens his mouth you know different. Normally they’re talking on the phone REALLY loud and the conversation usually go something like this. “Oh, hai dad. Yah, yah… yaaaahh hahahaha. Well, I was just giving you a quick ring-a-ding haha because I wanted to check if you wanted me to pick up the Aston Martin tonight?! Yah, yah, naah, yaaahhh so you want me to get it from the stables tomorrow yah? Remember though, I’m sailing till tha evening if thats ok yah? Ok, cool, yah I’m ok thanks, yah got the train fine, you? Yah, yah, yah haha. Ok then, I’ll talk to you lataaahh. Oh bye tha way mum told me this morning that tha Porsche wouldn’t start so she had to take tha Ferrari to work. Yah terrible. Ok dad, yah, yah, yaaaaah hahaha blah, blah, blah blah, blah” *SMACK*
4. The loving couple
Aaawww, they’re so sweet with their holding hands and giggling all the time and playing games on her iPhone. N’aww now they’re sharing a packet of crisps, and she’s feeding him! Just makes you feel all warm inside. Now a little kiss, whoa, ok, fuck me she’s just eaten hasn’t she?! Is he still breathing?! I feel dirty just for looking.
3. The fat man/woman creature
I’m not quite sure that even this things mother knows whether it’s male or female. To me, it’s the closest thing to an actual real life troll. Luckily I’ve never had the misfortune of sitting next to one of these beasts although I have had to sit close enough that I can smell and hear them. It’s breathing is always laboured, like an old cow that’s suffering from TB mixed with Darth Vader. And the smell, well the smell is something else. It’s a cross between Cheese and Onion crisps and a pair of unwashed Toms and literally makes you dry heave. It never speaks either, even when the train conductor asks for it’s ticket, it just grunts and continues to stare forward as it hands over the wrinkled and miscoloured ticket stub. Also you never ever see them leave, are they actually travelling anywhere or do they just sit forever, staring, smelling and breathing heavily?
2. The fit girl
Oi oi, blondies alright. Pretty sure she’s looking at me as well, is she?! Yeah she must be. Keeps glancing up from her book. Should I go talk to her?! No, that’s way too forward. I’ll just give her one of those winning smiles. Oh, she’s looked away quickly. Why’s she frowning?! Why is she dialling the 9 button on her phone 3 times in quick succession?!
1. The scared looking foreigner
We’ve all seen them before. You know he’s foreign because he’s talking on the phone REALLY loudly (What is it with people on trains and talking loudly on phones?!) in an incomprehensible collection of sounds. It starts to get interesting when he hangs up and talks to the train conductor asking them various questions such as “Where iiiiis Burm-iing-haam?!” and “This ticket ok for travel tomorrow?” and my personal favourite “Where this train go?!” I’m 90% sure that once he’s finished his ‘conversation’ with the train conductor he is no more clear on where he’s going and which station he should get off at. In fact I think he’s a little more confused judging by his facial expression and the way he reaches for his phone straight away to talk loudly for another half a fucking hour!