I’m in a rather pessimistic mood today, the metaphorical Sword of Damocles has been hanging over my head for a few weeks, and so I got to thinking about how no matter what you do with your day you will always get screwed by something. So here’s my top five:
5. Dropping Things
This happens to me every day, EVERY day (maybe not on the scale of Sergio Ramos dropping the Copa Del Ray under a moving bus but still). When it’s a knife or a fork it’s like water off a ducks back, I’ll just pick it up and carry on with my business. Sometimes it’ll be a quid that you have to stand there and watch solemnly as it trundles down the path and then throws itself into the nearest drain, that will force an audible complaint from most. It starts to get upsetting when foods brought into play, for example when you’re trying to save on washing so you use the pizza box as a plate and you slide the pizza out of the oven onto the box but the box crumples under the weight and the pizza flops face down onto the kitchen floor!!!! But there seems to be days where the greater forces want things to get proper tasty, when as if by magic your phone throws itself from your firm grip towards the nearest pint/sink/bin/oven/cliff/oncoming motorcycle/tire fire etc etc.
4. Forgetting Things
Another staple of my day. There’s the basic check that everyone performs before they leave, phone, wallet, keys, which leaves you looking like you’re a terrible 80’s backing dancer as you feel up all your pockets (and your groin and arse in the process). If you’ve got to remember anything past these 3 basic items though, well let’s just say you can’t make any promises. Your mate asks you to remember that tenner you owe them for a night out? They’ll be lucky if you remember to bring any money for yourself. Housemate asks you to remember to bring some milk back from the shops? You turn up sweating 3 hours later because you forgot the way home and had to run through a salvage yard whilst being chased by angry guard dogs.
3. Angering People
I don’t know if it’s just me but don’t you find that you just anger people with your presence sometimes? And when I say sometimes I mean often and when I say often I mean all the time. It’s bad enough when you’ve been a bit of a dick and they get wound up totally out of proportion like this guy and pretend to choke to death. The worst is when you just being there seems to get on someone's wick, when the conversation goes something like this. “Hey, you alright?” “FUCK OFF!” It’s probably just me.
2. Hurting Yourself
Whether it’s smashing your toe, swinging your funny bone into a wall, hitting your head against an open cupboard door or pulling your groin to a Mr Motivator tape this is another guaranteed occurrence of your day to day life. It’s like the world has been constructed as one massive assault course and your challenge is to make it to the end of the day alive and with all your limbs attached. The hazards you could encounter on your daily walk to the shops are in the millions, in all honesty if you’re reading this right now and are in no pain then you best get ready my friend because something’s gunna be waiting around the corner to ensure you soon remember why you hate having nerve endings.
1. Making You Leave The House
I only chose this picture because it’s creepy as fuck, so very very creepy.
All in all leaving the house will probably increase the likelihood of these things happening at least ten fold. Making you step outside the threshold of your nice, safe, home is the worlds version of flipping you the bird. It knows that as soon as you step outside a person could bump into you making you drop your phone and also making you twist your ankle causing you pain as you trip into the person next to you angering them as you realise you forgot to turn the bathroom light off before you left (see what I did there?!). In summary, the world hates you, peace.