I love the cinema because I love films. However there are some aspects of the cinema experience that I’d change slightly if I had the chance, for example:
5. The Film Buff
You know the one I mean. He's usually middle aged, with a terrible receding hairline, a large distended belly and a faded and slightly torn Star Wars T-Shirt with Yoda on the front with the logo 'Show me your t**s you will.' (Particularly ironic because the last set of actual real life tits he's seen belong to his 50 year old neighbour and were only spotted for a moment when her dressing gown fell open as she was taking the bins out.) He always sits right at the back of the theatre right in the middle, ignoring the fact that he gets free premiere seating with his Odeon loyalty card, because that's where he's always sat. Never, ever, does he go to the cinema with someone else. As you enter the theatre he stares you down from the shadows just daring you to sit in the seat in front of him, however when you do he does nothing other than sigh audibly and continue to munch through his popcorn. Note: The film buff is often mistaken for a paedophile as he attends many children's films, this is a misconception however. He cares not for anyone in the cinema, nor for the teen cast of High School Musical, he is simply there because it is a film and therefore he has to watch it.
4. The Talkative Couple These are the ones that have obviously come to the cinema for their weekly date. Because of this they have both agreed on a film that neither of them particularly want to see thinking they have reached a healthy compromise. This results in the perfect storm. From the moment the film starts you know you're in for a nightmare situation of never ending background conversation. Mostly they whisper but even then they still create a noticeable hissing noise like a mentally challenged snake. The worst however is when something loud happens in the film and they raise their voices to compensate this results in an awkward situation where you catch the end of a conversation about 'Janet's problem with her glands' as the onscreen action quietens down. My personal highlight of their ignorance and stupidity is when you hear one of them ask what's going on because they've just talked over a critical part of the story.
3. The Baby People
I rarely encounter these individuals, less and less the older I have gotten but they were brought back to my attention recently when me and my mate went to watch Men In Black 3. (check out my review here) It really beggars belief to me why on earth you'd have a reason to bring a baby that is still of the age where it needs to be in a pram into a film theatre. I mean why?! Really why? What possible reason could you have. Is it for the babies benefit? Does he enjoy the rich storytelling and multi level humour of the Men In Black franchise? Does he appreciate the cutting edge CGI and mind blowing visuals? Or is he, in fact, just a fucking baby who has no idea what the hell is going on?! Could they not get a babysitter? The really strange thing was I think it was just them and their baby. So either a couple in their mid 30's were so desperate to see the new Men In Black that they couldn't wait to find a babysitter to look after their kid and so brought him along for the film OR they brought him to the film because they genuinely thought that he would enjoy and appreciate it. I don't know what idea worries me more.
2. The Eaters
Another pet hate of mine, people who treat the cinema like a restaurant. They assault all your senses with their dining experience, the stench of the gloopy nacho cheese creates a fallout zone of about 10 feet, if you're caught in it you leave the cinema with the scent of the poor mans melted cheese lingering in your nostrils for days. The sound of them eating said food also attacks your enjoyment of the film. This goes for popcorn as well. I'll admit I'm guilty of being that annoying twat who rustles through a box of the stuff every now and then but its not like its anyone's fault other than the idiot who decided the signature snack for film watching would also be one of the loudest. Another thing that worries me about the Eaters is just how much money they must spend on each cinema trip, a small popcorn costs more than a Ryanair return flight to Zante nowadays so lord knows how much Nachos, a large popcorn, a hotdog, some minstrels and a large Pepsi sets you back.
1. The Illegal Recorder
The cream of the crop of cinema rareuns. The Illegal Recorder is a special breed of person. How they manage to smuggle fairly sophisticated audio and video recording devices into a cinema has always stumped me. Yet every now and then you'll catch the flash of a red light coming from the furthest, darkest corner of the cinema. This is followed by muffled voices and a lot of frantic shuffling before the red light goes off again and they settle down. Tell tale signs to look for when spotting illegal recorders include the aforementioned red light, people wearing hats and heavy winter coats in the middle of summer and inside the theatre, the sound of the setting up of a camera tripod and many more. If you do notice some have a bit of fun with them and go and sit in front of them then spend the duration of the film randomly standing up and sitting down completely ruining their recording. Don't grass them up though, no one likes a grass.