Winter has been incredibly mild this year. Some days...
I've almost been warm, in January! This is great news for people like me who don't live near to any main water sources or in any type of indent. It's not so great for the others though. Since January the country has been slowly filling up thanks to the highest level of rainfall for 250 years. Although some good things have come of this pretty dire situation a lot of bad has also reared its ugly head. Here are five ways in which this bad manifested itself.
5. People Created A Sandbag Black Market
If Britains are good at one thing it's black markets, especially during times of crisis. If you believe every pseudo-historical book, or my Nan, during the war there was a shadey looking character standing on every street corner trying to sell you illegal tights or butter.
Over 60 years later it seems nothing has changed. Well, maybe a bit has changed. Now you'll find a shadey character stood on every street corner neck deep in fetted flood water trying to sell desperate homeowners some form of protection for their slowly submersing homes in the form of sandbags.
Maybe it's just me but, if my street was to get flooded, I would be freely offering bags of sand to anyone I could.
4. Also, People Hijacked A Van Full of Sandbags To Sustain Said Blackmarket
What's worse than profiting directly from other peoples misery? Directly increasing people's misery, that's what. In scenes that I'm sure were reminiscent of any near/post apocalyptic film from the past 20 years some horrible bastards literally hijacked a van full of sandbags.
I heard about this on the news but now can't find any info about it online. If it is true can you literally get any lower? Actually jacking a van that was on the way to deliver sandbags to protect people's homes...
In addition to this, people have reported spending the day setting up sandbag defences around their house before turning in for the night, probably physically exhausted and worried sick. They then wake up in the morning to find all the sandbags they painstakingly laid to protect their homes removed. I genuinely despair at the world.
3. Insurance Companies Are Already Working Out Ways To Shaft Homeowners Next Time Round
No surprises on this one. As soon as the insurance companies have had to pay out more than a few bob they've already started planning ways to avoid having to do it again. This includes £10,000 excesses on future flood damage, increased rates for houses on floodplains and the writing off of £4.3tn worth of property value on houses in flood risk areas.
Not to worry though! The government has come up with a great idea. Don't think about insurance companies doing what they're supposed to. Instead, increase the home insurance of every household in the country to the tune of £10.50 a year so they can then pay to repair other peoples flood damaged homes.They call it Flood RE...
2. Some Twat Blamed The Whole Thing On Same Sex Marriage
Some well informed, completely rational and definitely not homophobic UKIP councillor for Oxfordshire seriously suggested that the flooding was God's punishment for the UK allowing the 'abomination' that is same sex marriage. David Silvester was quoted as saying:
"The scriptures make it abundantly clear that a Christian nation that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel (and in naked breach of a coronation oath) will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war." - BBC News
He then went on to point out that he had written to David Cameron warning that this would eventually happen in April of 2012, therefore he must be right.
Unsurprisingly, his entirely logical ideology didn't go down too well with gay and straight people alike. Nigel Farrage was, of course, quick to distance himself and his party from this lunatic whilst simultaneously suggesting that the Romanian and Bulgarian flood was still coming (despite the fact the borders have now been open for weeks). Let me just take this moment to state that anyone who votes for UKIP is a twat, much like Mr Silvester.
1. Prime-mini-droid David Cumstain and His Mates Practiced Their Best 'I Care Face'
There's not really much more to be said about this. Here are some examples of smug, toffee nosed politicians doing their best to pretend they're concerned whilst simultaneously communicating the fact that they actually couldn't care less.
Written by Ryan Hill